The Drug Clinic

Alright, I promised a story about the drug clinic, so I better write about it.

If you all read yesterday's post, then you know I am now working for Knott's Berry Farm's security division and that I had to pass a drug test to get the job. Well, here is what happened.

I left the Knott's Employment Office around 12:00pm with the instructions to go to St. Jude hospital in La Mirada and take a drug test within 24 hours.

I was supposed to hang out with Robert later that day, so I figured "I'll just take Robert with me so I don't get bored going there and so he's not kept waiting for me to show up at his house."

Now, one thing that always bothers me about a drug test is that I have make sure I will be able to pee by the time I arrive at the clinic. So, from 12:00pm to 4:30pm, I was constantly drinking water and soda to make sure I had to go. Anyway, I left for Robert's house at around 4:30pm, but I didn't bother to download directions to the hospital because Knott's Berry Farm provided me with a location map, which said that the hospital was on Firstone off of the 5 freeway. "Shit, I know where that is," I thought, and I was off. Well, it turns out that I didn't know exactly where it was, and Robert and I ended up driving around for about two hours trying to find the place.

What made the long drive seem even longer, though, was the fact that I had to pee badly because of all the water I was drinking. During this whole venture, I had to stop the car twice to take a piss, and at each stop I would drink a ton of water just to make sure I had to go when I got to the clinic.

Now, here's my problem. The map that I was given for the clinic didn't bother to mention that the 5-Freeway doesn't exit onto Firestone in La Mirada. The freeway simply goes over that street. It turns out that if you exit on Firestone on the 5-Freeway, you get dumped off in Pico Rivera, about two cities away from La Mirada...stupid map. And just forget about using Beach Blvd. to find the clinic because Beach Blvd. disappears and reappears about two or three times between Pico Rivera and La Mirada. What the hell kind of way is that to construct streets?

Anyway, I gave the clinic my sample at around 7:30pm, and thus was the end of the ordeal with the clinic...or so I thought.

You see, the following Tuesday, I received a voice message from some woman at the clinic. The message said that there was a problem with my urine sample, and she wanted me to call in the morning. "What the hell is the problem," I thought. "I don't do drugs, I can't get pregnant...why are they calling me?" Soon, my mind started going crazy. "What if I have bladder cancer? Oh, God! They're calling to tell me I have bladder cancer! I'm going to die!"

Needless to say, it was a very long night. The next morning, I called the clinic and spoke with the woman who left the message. Do you know what the problem was? My sample was too diluted. In other words, they couldn't test my sample because there was TOO MUCH liquid in it.

In a way, this was a relief, but I still had to go back and give another sample. So, I went the next day as instructed. Did I download directions? Hell no! I knew where I was going this time.

Well, turns out I still didn't know and got lost again trying to find the place, driving around aimlessly for about an hour.

I finally found the place, and I sat inside awaiting yet another chance to piss in a cup. If I had my way, I would get to piss on this hospital's walls for having a shitty map of their location and not warning me of the dangers of excess water.

Anyway, the doctor (or quite possibly some intern) finally called me in, and, before I could give a sample, we had a short chat:

DOCTOR:
So, this is your second time, huh?

RAY:
Yeah.

DOCTOR:
What was wrong with the last sample?

RAY:
The woman on the phone said it was too diluted.

DOCTOR:
Did she also tell you that this time you'll be monitored?

RAY:
I'm sorry, monitored?

DOCTOR:
Yeah. I have to go in there with you when you give your sample this time.

That's right, everyone. Apparently, they thought I tampered with my sample, and I now had to piss with a 6'3" dude standing behind me and watching. I don't know if any of you have had such an experience, but I found it a bit difficult to pee with somebody watching me. In fact, when I finally did piss, it lasted somewhere between 1.5 to 2 minutes, slowly trickling out with as little pressure as possible.

So, that was it. Naturally, it wasn't as uncomfortable as the time a doctor shoved a camera in my dong to see if I had bladder cancer, but at least I felt the procedure was needed. Damn, I really want to just go back to St. Jude's Hospital to throw some flaming dog shit at their walls, but I know I'd just get lost again. Oh well, that just means I better be prepared the next time I happen to find myself in La Mirada.